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Lawyer Humour - Ask A Stupid Question...

What is your birthday? - July 15th. Every year?

Does this condition make you forget things? - Yes. Can you give us an example of something you have forgotten?

Doctor, is it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he is completely unaware of the fact until the next morning?

Your 20 year old son, how old is he?

Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Did he murder you?

How far apart were the vehicles when they collided?

You were there up until the time you left, were you not?

What were you doing when your baby was conceived?

Those stairs you went down, they go up too, don't they?

You did not check for a pulse or breathing, so how could you have been sure he was dead? - His brain was in a jar on my desk. but ..... but..... he could still have been alive even then? - I suppose theoretically he could be alive now practising law somewhere.

How was your marriage terminated? - By death. Whose death?

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? - All of them

Were you acquainted with the deceased? - Yes. Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? - Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

What happened then? - He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Did he kill you?

Is your appearance today pursuant to a subpoena? - No, I always dress like this.

Members of the jury, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears? - No. What was he doing with the dog's ears? - Picking them up in the air. Where was the dog at this time? - Attached to the ears.

All your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? - Oral. How old are you? - Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff? - She is my daughter. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Is this a picture of you? - Yes. And were you present when the picture was taken?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Mr Solicitor, what will your fees be? - It's very hard to say. How long is a piece of string? What are my chances of success? - Oh its far too early to estimate those yet. How long will it take? - It's impossible to say. er... - Is there anything else you want to know?

Defendant: Judge, I want another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the legal aid lawyer isn't interested in my case. Judge (to lawyer): What do you say about this? Lawyer: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

What gear were you in at the moment you crashed? Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 499. - And where is milepost 499? Probably between milepost 498 and 500

What is your IQ? Well, I can see pretty well, I think

Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? - Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Yes. - Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? Yes sir. - What did she say? What disco am I at?

She had three children, right? Yes. - How many were boys? None. - Were there any girls?

Can you describe the individual? He was about medium height and had a beard. - Was this a male or a female?

You say you were injured, but immediately after the accident you said you were alright, didn't you? Yes - Why was that? Well he looked at my horse and said it was obviously in pain, and shot it. So when he asked me how I felt I said I was fine.

How long are you in jail for? A week. - What did you do? Killed my wife. - Just a week for killing your wife? Yes. After that they hang me.

(Judge to Defendant) Have you ever been up before me before? I didn't know I was today. What time do you get up?

(Judge to Defendant) You have been brought before me for stealing. Great. When do we start?

(Clerk to man standing about) Are you the man accused of larceny from the jewellery shop? No, I'm here because I nicked some stuff from it.

(Judge to Jury foreman) How could you possibly acquit him? Insanity - What, all of you?

(Woman in gun shop) I'd like a gun for my husband please. - What sort would he like? Oh he won't be bothered. He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him yet.

(Judge to Defendant) Aren't you embarrassed to be here so often? - No. It seems quite a respectable sort of place.

(Lawyer to locksmith) What were you doing when the police raided the brothel? - Making a bolt for the door.

(Lawyer to policeman) So the pedestrian was thrown 50 feet by the impact of the car? - Yes So what did you do then? - Charged him with leaving the scene of the accident.

(Judge to defendant) You have pleaded guilty to throwing your wife out of a fifth floor window. Have you anything to say? - I lost my mind. I just wasn't thinking. You can say that again. You could have seriously hurt an innocent passer-by.

Did you feel any remorse at all when you put the poison in your husband's dinner? - Only when he asked for seconds.

Why did you steel the budgie? - I took it for a lark.

You say you fell in love with your husband the second time you saw him? - Yes. Why not the first? - I didn't know he was rich then.

Why did you park there? - The sign said 'fine for parking'.

Isn't it true you martried him because his father left him a fortune? - Absolutely not. I don't care who left it.

Why is divorce so expensive? - Because it's worth it.

Sorry your honour, I am confusing feet and metres. - So I don't need to overrule you you've done it yourself.

Why didn't you go on the holiday? - I didn't want to take the time off work Surely they can manage without you? - Yes but I didn't want them to realise that.

You realise what will happen if you don't tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? - Yes, I might get off.

So your first two wives died from eating poisoned mushrooms and then you strangled your third wife? - Yes. I snapped when she wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

(Judge) I am awarding your wife £500 per month maintenance. Thanks. I'll try to chip in a bit myself too.

Have a look at that contract. Is it a written or a verbal contract?

You agreed to take her for better or worse did you not? - Yes but not for good.

You agreed to take him for better or worse did you not? - Yes and now we are divorcing I am taking him for everything.

Why do you want to divorce your husband? - He doesn't go with the new funiture.

Why did you urinate on the park bench? The sign said 'wet paint'.

So after 9 children you now want a divorce? Why is that? - Well he wants a round 10 but I want to have a career as well.

What was the score? - 3-2 Who won? - The team with 3.